Getting To Know Jesus Christ: A Short Story

Intro: I may have mentioned before that I enjoy writing, and here's some concrete proof. What you're about to read can give you a fairly accurate glimpse into what goes on in the imagination of a Sage with very strong Scholar casting. I'm better at writing than I am at talking, and sometimes ideas pop into my head that can be translated into stories - some ideas create long stories, others create short stories. This idea created a shorter, looser, more informal story. I'm still not quite sure what I was trying to express by creating this was just very easy and fun to write. And worth sharing.

Here it is. The premise is that a very neutral Scholar is being interviewed after using a time machine or something along those lines to observe important figures of history.


It has been less than a week since you were outed as the Scholar who utilized time travel to observe the Infinite Souls in action. How have you been coping with all the sudden fame and publicity?

I would say I have been coping very well. Observing all those Infinite Souls was quite an experience.

We would love to hear about each and every one, but for now we would like to focus on the most recent. That would be Jesus, who is still wildly popular among the masses. Generations upon generations of violence as a result of distortion in Jesus’s original teachings has called for a need for people to ‘get to know’ Jesus, to see who the man really was. To know the True Jesus, if you will.

I do not know if I can convey something like that. But there were certain habits and behaviors he had that, when examined, may speak volumes.

Would you say these habits and behaviors, as you call them, make up the ‘true’ Jesus?


I would, however, say that they are big parts of ‘who’ he was.

Would you care to share some of your observations?


Something I noticed was that Jesus frequently got thirsty, and he would have to drink water to sate his thirst. Sometimes he drank water, sometimes he drank wine, sometimes he liked to switch between the two. But every time he drank to sate his thirst...he would go to a hole, or an ancient Jewish outhouse, or anyplace in a general ‘outdoors’ area, and he would urinate. All that water, all that wine - every last drop, minus a nutrient or two, would get peed out. And sometimes he would splash pee on one or both of his sandals, resulting in minor emotional irritation.


Another big habit of Jesus’s that I picked up on after a while was the fact that he suffered from equally frequent hunger pangs, usually multiple times per day. Jesus would eat to satisfy these hunger pangs. Usually he ate bread. Sometimes cheese. And every time he ate something - and this usually happened a couple hours afterward - Jesus would go to whatever passed for a bathroom, and he then would excrete.

Sometimes the food would come out in a good-sized log, sometimes it would come out in smaller chunks...and sometimes, on the absolute worst days, the digested bread and (sometimes) cheese would be excreted in a liquid state, resulting in extreme emotional irritation and occasional trauma. It was usually during events such as the aforementioned sessions of enduring multiple bouts of aqueous defecation that Jesus would resort to the use of colorful Hebrew profanity. This was primarily due to the distinctly negative-poled method of post-bowel movement cleansing at the time, which was not yet inclusive of the more positive-poled usage of toilet paper - a relatively modern invention.

What else would Jesus do?

There were several things he would do besides urinating and defecating. Upon closer inspection, I could see that there were times when Jesus would actually inhale particles of dust or pollen. Further observation revealed the consequences of his doing so: sensor-follicles in Jesus’s nasal passages would detect the dust particles and trigger a reaction via the central nervous system, causing the expulsion of most of these dust particles through a sometimes volatile compression and subsequent release of air.

You mean he sneezed?

Yes, Jesus sneezed quite a bit. Unfortunately, his sneezes were unable to remove all the dust particles - but here is where it gets interesting. Glands in his sinuses would start secreting mucus, which would then carry out all the remaining foreign particles from the nasal passages. All Jesus had to do was blow his nose. Sometimes he would blow an exorbitant amount of snot from his nose by pinching one nostril shut and focusing the total force of the expulsion through the remaining nostril - he would then switch and clear the other nostril afterwards. Other times, Jesus would simply blow both nostrils simultaneously, which usually proved to be the more inefficient method. Due to living in a time before tissues and widespread ownership of handkerchiefs, Jesus would usually discharge his nasal mucus into the air, although he was sometimes prone to relieving his sinuses directly into his hands. This was actually considered to be a social norm.

There were no forms of tissues at the turn of the millennium?

Not yet. No tissues until the nineteen-hundreds. There may have been primitive forms of handkerchiefs, but they, in most cases, were owned exclusively by the wealthy. This moves us to the final nose-related behavior of Jesus: post-nasal discharge cleanup. Sometimes there was a light-to-moderate amount of mucus remaining in Jesus’s sinuses, even after he blew his nose. This remaining mucus would then dry over time. To clear it, Jesus would sometimes have to insert a finger of his choosing - usually an index finger - and manually pick out all the bits of dried-up mucus. This commonly resulted in a clearer airway and heightened levels of positive emotion and general feelings of contentment.

Could you give us an example of an amusing behavior Jesus was prone to?

A funny habit of Jesus? Well, one funny habit I noticed was related to the biological functions operating within his gastro-intestinal tract. A mixture of swallowed air and natural gas formed from digestion would occasionally travel through his digestive system, eventually being released in the form of flatulence. Jesus’s flatulence could be measured on several different spectrums, those spectrums being as follows:

“-Silent but Deadly/+Loud but Still Very Deadly”
“-Fog Horn/+Harmonious Progression of Squibs”
“-Sahara Dry/+Bayou Wet”

On occasion, Jesus would release his flatulence in the presence of other people, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. This would elicit varied reactions in both those present for the flatulence, and in Jesus himself. These reactions would range anywhere from Embarrassment, to Amusement, to Apathy. I could elaborate more on specific scenarios in which these distinct reactions to Jesus’s passing of gas came into play. Sermons, for instance, proved to be the setting of the more EMBARRASSMENT-themed articles of flatulence, while-

We will not need the breakdown, thank you. We are running short on time, so our final question to you would be what you consider to be the moral of this story.

I do not understand.

What we would like is for you to sum up, in a handful of words, everything you learned from your experience. Would you be able to do that?

Sum up Jesus? In just a handful of words?


Infinite Souls shit, too.

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Comment by Tristan M on December 22, 2013 at 12:58pm

  I asked a channel  a few years ago about "the urantia book" and she had said that it was channeled casual information but highly filtered through religious dogma. The book is almost unreadable in parts. A lot of it is real wacky however there's an entire biography of Jesus at the end where the writing style changes to "normal". So I thought to ask about the accuracy of the Jesus section and was told it was pretty accurate.  

Comment by ViP on December 19, 2013 at 3:58pm

...and the positive poles are inclusive of the negative ones!!

Comment by ViP on December 19, 2013 at 12:15pm

“-Silent but Deadly/+Loud but Still Very Deadly”
“-Fog Horn/+Harmonious Progression of Squibs”
“-Sahara Dry/+Bayou Wet”

My sides!!!

Comment by Bobby on December 19, 2013 at 11:12am

Don't forget about the 30 days of morning wood. It was all too symbolic of the erect wooden structure he would be crucified upon shortly.

Comment by AL on December 19, 2013 at 9:07am

I loved the story, lol. Yes, we all shit, even the ISs 

Comment by Geraldine B on December 19, 2013 at 4:34am
Oh, and I would further point out just how difficult it probably is to be an Infinite Soul and to go through the process of becoming human in such a short period of time. The IS must come into the physical with memories of some type as they've got to hit the ground running in all ways, including a knowledge of the social customs, languages, nuances of classes, the purely physical aspects, etc.They don't get a childhood. They don't get even the 7 years of a walk-in "rebuild."
Comment by Geraldine B on December 19, 2013 at 4:30am

Highly irreverent but something that does get overlooked. All of the ISs still inhabited physical bodies and were subject to all of the daily physical issues with which we are prone. And, they were stuck in whatever technological age where they appeared.

This reminds me of one of the scenes from Oscar's early Infant Soul lifetimes -- the Caretakers attempting to care for thousands of child-like overgrown sloths. If any of us were to time travel back to our beginnings, we would be more than shocked, we would be astounded at how far we've come, even IF we're still physical creatures who expel our toxins in very fundamental processes.

As you probably guessed, I'm doing some eye-rolling and muttering of "oh gross." But, good job :)


Comment by Kurtis M on December 19, 2013 at 1:48am

I am so done XD Great job. 
I hope you're happy you killed me from laughter, because I'll get you back in the Astral :P.







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