My faerie Godmothers are out at an evening soiree.
Have the place to myself for 3 hours and thought it would be an ideal moment to write my first blog post (borrowing an old dinosaur laptop to type it out).
My computer exploded about a month ago. Obvious benefits emerged from this as I have not been without direct internet access since I was 14 years old.
I suppose a general theme if i had a theme in mind regarding a blogpost would be a swirling reoccuring state of Confusion that had made itself very present in my life since reaching what one might call a responsible age or what Michael teachings might call: The end of the third internal Monad.
An experience was had the second week ( the first 2nd week without a computer in a decade) where I had the urge to explore my limits with the idea of " LIKING ONESELF". Immediately what came to mind was " I don't like my body, so i'll start there". Thus I began my exploration with the comfortability of nudity. Nobody was around then so I thought it would be a good time to practice. I'd go to the woods and try to be as naked as I possibly could without actually being really at all that naked and then return to the house convinced I was one step closer to enlightenment.
I usually just came back with mites from the ocean during episodes of wild secret skinny dippings.
Since now I only have myself, it's becoming more and more apparent how uncentered everything is. Nothing really seems all that interesting and then some moments i'm SO interested and clear that I think it couldn't possibly ever revert back to how it was before. Then it does, rapidly.
All these little stories I have been telling myself seem more and more absurd.
The biggest feeling that has taken over since the computer explosion episode has been a profound loneliness. I'd always be a braggart about how I never felt lonely and how I loved just being by myself...but without constant availability to facebook or other methods of cyber communication...the loneliness is everywhere.
Behind that is a big pink calm. Everything will be alright.
which is exactly what I was talking about. Everything is now always two things. I can't even be properly depressed these days as now the depression has become Depression PLUS a knowing that it's all fine. And when i'm really conetent it's never just happiness, it is Happiness PLUS a knowing that it will go away soon.
Living in this luxury environment that I haven't really earned ( that isn't the right word, but my vocabulary isn't too strong) has been painstaking in a way that's hard to communicate. Everything is gorgeous, i'm fed amazing meals, I don't have to really work at all that much to get these things yet it's all someone elses riches...and if it's stripped away from me, i'm just this boy with 20 dollars in his wallet who is too afraid to make it on his own.
Decided to Move to vancouver.
do the whole " I came to this city with 20 dollars in my pocket" story and see where that goes.
or better than " see", PARTICIPATE in how it goes.
maybe even start writing Comic books, something I have put off for so long for fear that you can't possibly be " enlightened" and also have a passion.
maybe even forget enlightenment completely.I know it's not a topic of very much interest to a lot of the Michael students here... but it's always had a pull on me...This idea of what life would be like if we were as aware as we possibly could be aware.
perhaps there is a certain true enlightenment in giving yourself permission to just doing what interests you even though it might seem impossible and the stakes are higher and scarier.
whatever the case..life is good/bad and I look forward to the many Beautiful/hideous days to come.
off to Faerie camp for a week in Oregon.
SIDENOTE: had a dream where Bobby from this site came to visit me in a monks outfit and his arm was very very swollen....so ...watch out for bees bobby. We watched a man turn into a living room entertainment system ( yes the entire system) and then jump into the ocean.
Note:I am not known for my premonitions or anything.
Lots of love,
The Holy EquASSion